Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This is a rough approximation of the ornament I bought for my family's famous "Ornament Exchange" this year. My three-year-old second cousin Lizzy opened it first, then I stole it from her when Aunt Lorri stole the kitty-cat ornament I opened from me. BUT THEN, Lizzy's aunt Candance stole it BACK from me, so I lost it. In retropsect, I ought to have just kept it for myself in the first place and entered the glittery pickle in the ornament exchange. But I'm a dope.

Anyway, I got what I deserved.

Behold! The Mallow Burger:



You want to know how it tastes? Well, I don't know, but I bet "sweet" is a likely characteristic. The tender-heart that I am, I gave the $0.50 Mallow Burger to Matt, who has yet to open the cellophane wrapping to try a bit. It has been roughly one years since I gifted him with the treat, and miraculously the burger is still in perfect form, with only a few smushed sides--markings from a move across town when it traveled in a heavy box filled with papers and office supplies. It is fucking indestructible.

Anyone actually eaten this thing? Let us know.