Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. This is a rough approximation of the ornament I bought for my family's famous "Ornament Exchange" this year. My three-year-old second cousin Lizzy opened it first, then I stole it from her when Aunt Lorri stole the kitty-cat ornament I opened from me. BUT THEN, Lizzy's aunt Candance stole it BACK from me, so I lost it. In retropsect, I ought to have just kept it for myself in the first place and entered the glittery pickle in the ornament exchange. But I'm a dope.

Anyway, I got what I deserved.

Behold! The Mallow Burger:



You want to know how it tastes? Well, I don't know, but I bet "sweet" is a likely characteristic. The tender-heart that I am, I gave the $0.50 Mallow Burger to Matt, who has yet to open the cellophane wrapping to try a bit. It has been roughly one years since I gifted him with the treat, and miraculously the burger is still in perfect form, with only a few smushed sides--markings from a move across town when it traveled in a heavy box filled with papers and office supplies. It is fucking indestructible.

Anyone actually eaten this thing? Let us know.

Coming soon (now) to a computer near you...Hamblogger!

You're probably asking yourself, "Hamblogger? What's that? Is it about hamburgers?"

A: Yes!

Q: "What about CHEESEburgers? Will HAMblogger review those, too?"

A: Yes!

Q: "But Hamblogger refers to hamburgers, right?"

A: Yes!

Q: "Wait, but aren't hamburgers and cheeseburgers two completely different species of sandwich, like how a pizza is technically an open-faced sandwich if you really stop to think about it, and how a tomato is really a fruit, but everyone thinks it's a vegetable?"

A: No. Chillax.

Hamblogger is the source for all your hamburger-related needs, inquiries, reviews, and paraphernalia. We'll review hamburgers, the joints we find them in, and the condiments we put on them. We'll reveal our personal burger philosophies, answering age-old questions like "Are sesame seeds of the devil?" and "What's this hard thing I bit into?" And we'll do so from all over North America (and even THE WORLD) with our crack squad of licensed, bonded, certified Hamburger Aficionados. There's a secret handshake and everything.

So strap on a feed-bag and fill your colon with some good ol' fashioned Hamblogger meat! Here's to avoiding the mad cow!

(Co-authored by Pamela Kerpius, who finally made me start this thing. And screamed in my face as I wrote it. Thanks, Pam.)